Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
