found the other keg... it's in the tree
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
