I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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