If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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