if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
