She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
