I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I checked into jail on foursquare
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
