At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
