the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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