the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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