does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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