Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
from now on my penis is your penis
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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