This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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