Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
this hospital has no fireball
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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