They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
