I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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