I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
