The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
