VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
