nut hugger
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
