i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
