He disabled his match.com account in front of me
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
