I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You can't just leave with hair like that
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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