I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
