He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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