I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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