I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
