I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
