cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
