I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
