Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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