do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
