This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
