I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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