real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
