How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
