Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
