omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
