he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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