But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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