He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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