wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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