my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
whose parrot is this?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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