On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
