I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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