so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
True college students do jello shots in the library
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
