I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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