Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
