just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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