I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
